Wednesday, August 6, 2014


Someone owes me an apology.

I got a text from my father today.  He said someone told him at today's Realtor meeting that I was pregnant.  He wished me congratulations and said I'd be a great mom.

My father and I don't speak.  This is known quite well within the greater community.  We don't speak because my father chose to be a shit of a human being at several points in the last decade.  These choices of his weren't things like saying the wrong thing or being late to something important.  His choices were big, hurtful ones.  The week of my wedding he told my then future husband he didn't care if he made me cry on my wedding day ruining the wedding... he would do as he pleased.  He called me ungrateful because I wouldn't work for the family business for free a couple years before that.  When he found out I had an abortion in my early 20's he accused me of murdering his grandchild... giving no regard to how my decision might have not been an easy one for me.  When my mom got sick with cancer and we thought she might die, he said, "I don't do sick people."  After 30 years of marriage he didn't do sick people.  The day I got my cancer diagnosis he had to get back to a luncheon with a client.  I was 12.

Over and over, for 30 years I gave this man an opportunity to be there as my dad.  I loved him.  I cherished him.  I made an effort to include him in my life.  I morned for years the loss of my relationship with him.  I made every effort to stay connected, to talk to him about how if he didn't choose differently I would get to the decision to no longer have him in my life.  It wasn't a threat.  It was always a pleading to please step up as a man, as my dad.  He never did.

My children will never know this man.  I've worked really hard to create a life for my children that is filled with love and peace.  They will be surrounded by good people who may not be perfect but they will be present.  They will hold their hands and hearts through all that life is sure to send their way.  I am proud of the Framily my husband and I have created for my children.

It's taken us four years, a lot of doctor's appointments and a little help from fertility treatments to get me pregnant.  It's MY pregnancy.  I'm the one having the baby.  I'm the one with the sore boobs, the trips to the bathroom, the weekly appointments to one of a number of medical support people making sure this pregnancy is happy and healthy.  This pregnancy is my news... not yours.

I have no idea who it was that went to my father and told him I was pregnant but whomever you were, you didn't have my permission.  It upset me so very much at a time when I don't need to be upset.  You owe me and my husband an apology.  Me getting a text made a mess out of both of us.
That text reminded me of how unloved I have been by him.  I was reminded of all the ways I needed him to be a dad and all the ways he failed me.  My husband was reminded of how he was told the week before my wedding that it was of no concern to my father if he ruined our wedding.

If I had wanted my father to know I was pregnant, I would have told him myself.  He is not invited into my life and you invited him in.  Why would you do that?  My life is mine, not yours.  Your thoughtlessness has had me crying all morning and for what...?  I hope you have the decency and maturity to apologize.  You owe me an, "I'm sorry," because let me tell you, you can't undo it.

I will forever miss my dad.  I will forever love my dad.  And I will always know he didn't love me.  You had no business telling him my good news.  Learn from this and after you apologize to me and my husband, shut your mouth when it comes to other people's news.

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