Sunday, February 12, 2012

Let there be peace... or at least less mess

This week could have sucked.  In fact, parts of it did.  But more of it didn't.  I could have canceled the two dinner parties and stayed in bed on Sunday morning instead of going to church.  But more than wallowing in self pity (however justified) I instead surrounded myself with love.  I laughed.  I ate good food.  Friends let me bend their ear.  I didn't pretend like everything was "fine, fine, fine..." and yeah, I cried a lot, but I also didn't let the world end...

because it didn't end...

It is with a grateful heart that I begin this next week.  Yeah, I'm raw, and really irritated that I have no say in how some of this nonsense goes down... 

... but what I can do... and more importantly, what I will do is put one foot in front of the other towards the life I endeavor to have with my husband - a life over-flowing with love...

... and filled with peace.

Monday, January 2, 2012

I made a New Year's resolution!

I'm fat.  I'm 35 years old and this is the first year I can say that sentence without one ounce of icky feelings attached to it.  "I'm fat" feels like I'm telling you we have two fish and two frogs and a bunny who adores bananas.  It doesn't feel like a curse.

Finding peace with this fact is the result of all the work we have done this past year on our finances.  I know, it's weird.  Who would guess that setting financial goals would have such an effect?  It wasn't just the setting of goals, however... it was the honesty, it was the process.

For the last six months my husband and I have tracked nearly every penny spent.  We decided together how much we would save, when we would spend and what we would buy.  We were honest.  Oh my goodness, we were honest.  We wrote it all down in a spreadsheet I am so proud of (it should be framed really).  We planned for things we knew were coming up like insurance and rent and we had savings for the occasions that were surprises - like the parking ticket I got that I forgot to pay.

A college degree from NYU always made me feel like I should be better at finances.  I excel at math so I knew understanding math wasn't the problem.  The problem was and is that finances are not just about math, at least not for me.  Finances are all muddled up with emotions, expectations, commitments, and requirements.  - And so is food!!!

My husband and I were having dinner recently and he asked me if I could change one thing about my life, with the snap of my fingers, what would I change.  I said I'd be thin.  I was taken aback by my response because it was the first time I didn't feel self loathing.  I wasn't 25 wishing I was thin so I could fit into a size 4 skirt.  I know, I know, changing my appearance certainly sounds like self loathing if not a mid-life crisis, right?  Hear me out though...

I want(ed) to be thin not to fit into someone else's version of the ideal woman, I want(ed) to be thin because we want a baby and right now, being fat isn't the ideal for that.  Can I get pregnant?  Sure.  It would be a bit more complicated because I'm fat at the moment but fat people get pregnant all the time.

Not one to usually set New Year's resolutions, this year, I felt inspired.  I have resolved to be thin.  Doing all that financial planning showed me I can be debt free, own a house, have savings... and be thin.  For the first time in my life that feels reasonable.  

Why do I want to be thin? Because I do.  That is reason enough, isn't it?  A baby, fabulous clothes, and a long life with my love are really good reasons too.   As with the finances, being aware will really help me - being aware of what I eat, how much I exercise, how I feel; all these help me have a better relationship with my own health.  And now I'm putting it out there.  I'm telling people I'm working on being thin because "they" say writing these things down helps keep it in focus and helps one actually accomplish the goal.

I figure I've been in debt longer than I've been fat so with persistence I'll be thinner sooner rather than later.  Cheers to a New Year!